Thursday, November 3, 2016

On bullying and making me swoon

I recently read an article written by someone who had been a victim of bullying from grade school all the way through High School. They wrote, at length, about the incessant harassment and how it took a serious toll on their self esteem, which negatively impacted their peer relationships, and even carried over into their adult life and marriage. I read every word and felt absolute compassion for this person who had suffered so much, and for so long, without a soul to stand up for them.

I remembered Dave telling me he had been bullied as a kid, so I asked him about it a few days ago as we were driving in the car. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I've been thinking about the issue of bullying lately. Didn't you say you had been bullied as a kid?
Dave: Ya. There were some knuckle heads who thought they were pretty tough.
Me: Was that really hard on your self esteem to go through that?
Dave: Ummm, I'm sure it was. There were some experiences that made me feel really bad for a while.
Me: Do you feel like the bullying shaped your life in some way?
Dave: It was hard, but here's the thing; I'm not going to blame someone else for how my life goes or how I feel about myself.

Such a simple statement, but, with that, I fell in love just a little bit more. Not because he's some tough guy who beats his chest and says he's impervious to pain, but because he takes total responsibility for his life. He is as stable as the day is long, I suspect, because he does not allow other people to determine his worth. I find that quality enormously sexy.

I took this picture a couple years ago when we were on our way to St. Louis. We solve all the world's problems on our car rides. 

I like him. 
Married life is the best thing ever - especially on Thursday nights when Dave takes me out on the town. We always have little exchanges that move my love 'o meter up a notch.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Hello internet webs!

I had every intention of throwing up the most basic, vanilla blogger template so I'd have a little space all my own to post pictures and write stuff. Just like a journal. No big deal. BUT the moment I saw that plain vanilla bean template staring back at me, I could not help myself! I am compelled by powers beyond my control to fiddle, fix, move, and nit pick the crapola out of it. It's a disease. I'm getting help.

I looked at the blog headings and thought, "I wonder if just really quick I could make those a teeeeeeny bit bigger. But now I'm not loving the gray color. This is my very own space on the internet, I tell myself. I can have pink if I want and no one can stop me! But now the sidebar is looking a little left out, so maybe divider lines would bring it all together. Perfect. But now the navigation bar looks so out of place. Maybe if I move it to the top and change the background color...and the font color... and the width ...Hmmm...actually, I don't want a navigation bar at all. How do I take that out? Ooh! look at all these cool tutorials on how to turn your vanilla blog into a better than sex brownie blog!"

So, yaaaaa. Dave was on a hunting trip, the kids were with their dad, and I grew more and more homeless looking as the days wore on and I geeked out on bloggie blog tutorials.

I'm sure the blog design will change in two days when I decide I hate it, so I'd better document how it looks now.

Now that I've satisfied my weird design twitchiness, this is the part where I have to actually start posting pictures and writing words that mean something. Each time I get to this point (actually, I've only done this once before) I start to feel surprisingly vulnerable. This discomfort compels me to tidy up my life and expose only those moments when things are bright and breezy. But, If I give in to those conforming impulses and spend too much time editing and sanitizing, I will defeat my very purpose for creating this blog in the first place. I want to record my real life, which, so far, has included challenges that have pushed me to the edge of my capacity, moments of defeat, and days of loneliness, along with precious moments of deep satisfaction and accomplishment, divine intervention, and joy beyond belief.

Goal number 5. Start a blog. Check!
Goal number 6. Create actual posts on the blog. One down!